Chocolate Reindeer
by secretxlovers
Summary: A mysterious box, Deidara has seen it, Curiosity has gotten the best of him. [Strong Language, otherwise there is no sexual content]


**[The Akatsuki time-setting is after Orochimaru leaves, Before Hidan, Kakuzu, and Sasori get killed, and _Before Deidara is forced to leave because he was cooler then Itachi and had too many viewers._**

**-----------------------------------------------------**

Deidara walked up to the box, not knowing what was in it, or who it was for, and stared intensely at it. He made a slow glance around the room; he had to make sure there was no camera's hidden; He'd be the last one laughing if a camera crew jumped out and screamed "YOU GOT FUCKING PUNKED!" and he would never live it down, Itachi would never let him forget 'that one Christmas when he got punked for looking in a box with a man-eating beaver enclosed'.

He also looked for eyes, yes eyes, or plants with eyes, or anything abnormal looking but considering this was the Akatsuki's kitchen that would be pretty hard.  
Luckily, He knew the place like the palm of his hand.. Err well.. If.. Yeah you know.. metaphorically speaking...

People not cleaning up after themselves didn't help much either, sure he just loved 'human spleen' as much as the next guy, but having it on the kitchen floor [probably thanks to Zetsu right next to his feet didn't make it so nice.

Deidara made one last, quick glance around and poked the box, after doing so jumped back a safe distance just incase one of those infamous 'man-eating beavers' jumped out and ate his head [or messed up his hair

Still nothing happened, man, he had to remind himself to kill that one fellow who no one cared about came up with the phrase 'curiosity killed the cat' because it being true, didn't make Deidara happy.

Finally after all suspicions had fled from his mind, he walked up to the box nonchalantly and saw a tag, picked it up and read:

To: Tobi Love: Hidan

GOD DAMMIT, WHY MUST HIDAN ALWAYS FAVOR TOBI! What happened to Deidara EH?!? GEEZ! Nobody gets him gifts! Plus, Hidan always complains to Tobi, he only complains to Deidara a few times in the time span of one day.. Ok so maybe.. 8 or 9.. but still Tobi deserves no gifts, Tobi is not a good boy, Deidara is a good boy!

"Haha fuck that shit huh" He said aloud and snatched the box from the table. He could've sworn his heart croaked a little as he took the present from the table, it was either that, or that really bad breakfast this morning that Kisame had prepared with various plants he had stolen from Zetsu's green-house, he guessed it was breakfast.

He left the kitchen and entered the 'living room' and sat right in the middle of the red and black rug; He presumed that Tobi was somewhere off eating something that he's not suppose to, like the hair from Sasori's puppets or something, so He didn't have anything to worry about.

Deidara poked at the ribbon so neatly tied in an elegant bow, He thought about how much time and effort was put into making the present look so nice, all the more fun to ruin!

He hurriedly unwrapped the present and ripped open the box and... well...

It was.. Candy.. CANDY!

"AH CRAP! DAMMIT! FUCKING G- UGH!" he yelled aloud and slammed the box down against the hard floor, why must it be candy? He hoped for a minute that it was some secret item only Hidan knew about, like.. A secret map leading to a hiding place in which you could watch Itachi undress or something. Second thought.. Maybe Tobi wouldn't be so fit for that...

After his little outrage he regained his composer [and fixed his hair and took the huge candy out of the little box; it was a giant Hershey's kiss.

"Oh my god man, how gay can you get, yeah?" he chuckled to himself as he unwrapped the gigantic sized candy and licked it once, then twice then just latched onto the candy like a leach and started to lick the chocolate off.

He pushed away any perverted thoughts that followed because in fact, Deidara did like chocolate, liked chocolate a lot. After a while the tip of the kiss was gone, and now it was just a base, yes a base, no not a cock-base, just a base, a chocolate base. [AN -insert perverted face here- [/AN

Licking it slowly the chocolate already showing on the tip of his nose and chin, he heard something in the direction of the door, he didn't move just kept licking as he saw Sasori pass the open door, then walk backwards a few steps and stopped to see what Deidara had done this time.

"...uhm.. Deidara.. What are you.. doing?" he questioned with the most confused expression.

"Oh, just eating chocolate yeah" Deidara replied pausing to smile then returned to his chocolate... err well.. Tobi's chocolate but you get the point.

"Yes.. I can.. See that, Actually I was just trying to make you sound like a dumb ass" Sasori snorted then smirked as he spoke and Deidara Smirked along with him.

"You know Sasori, Maybe I wouldn't be such a dumb ass if you weren't so smart huh!" he gave a laugh as he gave a comeback of a lifetime.

-Insert long silence here-

"Anyway... where did you get that? You know Zetsu doesn't keep chocolate even remotely close to his wing of the house, he hates it" Sasori asked, Completely ignoring the fact that Deidara had just actually given him a compliment without even realizing it.

"Well, as it just so happens I found it on the table yeah" he replies as he throws the box with the paper and tape residue at Sasori; It hits him in the head and he quietly mouths 'owww-chh' and rubs his head, picks a few pieces of tape from his hair, then picks up the box and examines it closely.

"I dunno, it was for Tobi or whatever, I didn't care though yeah, 'cause Tobi gets everything." Deidara informs, and Sasori looks at him with disgust.

"Dammit Deidara, do you not have any feelings what-so-ever?" Deidara looks at him with a blank face and wide eyes and doesn't know how to respond. He starts to smile.

"Is that a trick ques-" Sasori immediately cuts him off, making Deidara's smile fade: "Deidara, stealing candy from Tobi, is like... is like stealing candy from a 2 year old" he says blankly and throws the box back at Deidara's head [and hair.

"DAMMIT SASORI WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? FUCK UP MY HAIR YEAH?! GOD DAMMIT YOUR GOING TO FIND A FUCKING CLAY BIRD IN YOUR FUCKING FRUIT LOOPS ONE MORNING, I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WILL, THEN YOU'LL PAY UN!" He yells as he flattens his hair and tries to sit still and resume licking the chocolate.

Like he said before 'Maybe he wouldn't be such a dumb ass if Sasori wasn't so smart'...

Then right when he's in the middle of his content he hears a slam and then footsteps towards the door, he uses caution this time [for the sake of his pride and his hair and hurriedly smashes all of the evidence in the little box and puts it behind his back/ass.

Just in time.

Tobi enters the room and Deidara can feel the smile shining behind his mask.

"OH MI GAWD DEIDARA-SENPAI, GUESS WHAT TOBI DID TOD-..." he pauses.

"What did you do today un?" Deidara replies trying to sound interested, hopefully to hide the fact that he's hiding a half-eaten giant chocolate kiss behind his back. [A: That doesn't belong to Deidara in the first place, and B: That he risked his life to get from a man-eating beaver

Tobi pauses and he can hear him sniffing.

"Tobi smells.. CHOCOLATE..." he squawks and Deidara can feel blood rushing to his face.

Just as Tobi says such, Sasori walks by the door, pauses, and nonchalantly speaks:

"You know Tobi-san, Hidan-san got you some chocolate for Christmas, but Deidara-senpai ate it, go look its right behind his as- I mean back" He smirked to Deidara, the kind of smirk that just screams 'pure evil'.. or maybe it was 'fuck me later in the pantry' -Deidara always got those two confused- but whichever it was, Sasori was going to pay!

"Deidara-senpai -sniff- would you really do -sob- this to Tobi-san? I thought Tobi-san was a -tear- good boy?" he asked tearing up in the process.

If Deidara had one thing, it was a heart, maybe not much, or.. maybe... just a smidge, but he had one, which has nothing to do with his plan so intern, he got an Idea...

"Of course not! You know how much of a fucker- I mean 'meanie' Sasori can be yeah, I'll be right back I got something for you un, But you can only have it if you SIT STILL until I get back yeah?" he questions and Tobi confirms as Deidara runs back into the kitchen and takes the candy from the box and gets a knife.

He can feel Sasori glaring at him, he quickly mutters "Sasori Jesus, Your going to burn a whole in my head if your not careful!" and for being Deidara this was a witty-statement, because of all witty-statements Deidara wouldn't be capable of thinking that fast for a real witty-statement from that pile of statements, therefore this was witty, as witty as witty gets for Deidara.

Sasori stomps off, probably to go dry-hump his puppets or something...

"You know, whatever your planning its not going to work Tobi isn't that stu- ok so maybe it will, but... somehow.. I will... I don't know, dammit just go ahead" Kisame who is sitting on the bar-stool next to the island, waves his hand and huffs in defeat as he continues to read a cooking-book called 'romantic dinners at home'.

Sasori Obviously told a few souls, like the gossip-whore he is, and knowing the Akatsuki: gossip spread like wildfire... or like that rash on Kakuzu's ass that spread.. like.. wild.. fire.. ANYWAY..

He took a knife out and the chocolate and went to work.  
-snibble snibble-  
-chop chop-  
-cut cut-  
-smear smear-

--About.. err the time span that it took for Kisame to find out what Deidara was doing to his favorite knife and to slap Deidara across the face to intern get squawked at for messing up Deidara's hair--

Tobi was of course sitting in the middle of the floor, rocking back and fourth, holding a little dust bunny, petting it slowly, slowly.

Deidara interrupted this moment and came in with a box, right when the box was in view Tobi jumped up and you could just 'feel' how happy he was.

"OH MY GOODNESS DEIDARA-SENPAI, WHAT IS IT, TOBI WANTS TO SEE!" he runs up to the box as Deidara gives him the item and he rips it open and finds...

A little chocolate sculpture that resembles a reindeer. [Because yes, Deidara had enough chocolate for that, no questions asked.

"OH MY DEIDARA-SENPAI THIS IS SO PRETTIEFUL! TOBI COULD JUST EAT IT ALL UP!" Tobi yells in delight. Deidara smiles, not one of those crazy, moronic grins, just a smile, a smile of happiness. Tobi holds the chocolate and shoves the poor reindeer up to his face then haults.

"Deidara-sama, would you like a piece of my chocolate reindeer?" Tobi asks as sweetly as he can and Deidara swears he can feel his heart flutter, but he's not sure, its either that or it could be him thinking about what Kisame is going to make for dinner. He thinks its his heart. 3

--FIN--

AN: sorry for all of the spelling/gramical errors [and the over-use of commas, I like them I feel terribly sick, probably from those cheesy lemon fic's I read... or lack thereof.

This should have given you a little laugh, nothing else, all of the information listed is most likely false, I dont know if Deidara likes chocolate, I dont even know if the Ataksuki celebrate Christmas


End file.
